Conan is another one of those characters that is dreamily glossed over by the mists of nostalgia. I have extremely fond memories of Red Sonya in particular, but Conan in general is a keystone in my 80s foundation. It’s been years since I’ve watched any of the original movies, and I must confess that I’m not familiar with any of the original source material. (I have a Conan novel written by Robert Jordan, but I haven’t read it.)

So, I went into the most recent Conan the Barbarian movie armed only with dimly remembered flashes and abysmally low expectations. Though I really enjoyed Rise of the Planet of the Apes (it had its issues, but overall it was entertaining and gave a more plausible explanation for the ape uprisal than time travel and spontaneous sentience), my expectations for remakes these days are almost nonexistent. The verdict? Conan had many of the right pieces, but it felt like they put it together wrong.

Spoilers ahead.

The opening sequences are narrated by Morgan Freeman. So, essentially, we have God telling the tale of Conan -- this is bound to be epic. Puzzlingly enough, though, the narrative device disappears by the end of the movie. This isn’t the only time that something is begun and left to dangle -- the symmetry was almost nonexistent.

Conan is born on the battlefield (because apparently the Cimmerians send heavily pregnant women into battle) after his father cuts him out of his dying mother’s abdomen. It’s a great scene (though it looked more like he stabbed her than sliced her open... but that’s just me being picky) and is a fair way to explain his destiny.

It soon cuts to Conan as a tween. Leo Howard (of Disney’s Kickin’ It fame. Don’t judge me.) is wonderful as the extremely determined young Conan. I could have happily watched an entire movie focused on his escapades alone. Ron Perlman, I have to add, is an amazing choice for Conan’s dad.

Conan proves that he is ready to join the other warriors and his father shows him the secrets of tempering steel. Right there is an AMAZING opportunity for metaphor. They even emphasize the need for heat and ice for the process -- that without one or the other, the blade would break. This is screaming to be a metaphor for Conan... but it’s not at all picked up again later in the movie. The only hint of it is that the young Conan is too... enthusiastic (fiery?) for the sword so his father doesn’t give it to him yet.

But soon things go awry -- a warlord slaughters their village, his witch daughter steals Conan’s sword-to-be and Conan’s father ends up sacrificing himself to save his son. So now Conan is fully orphaned and seriously pissed.

We cut to twenty years later, and they only hint at the shenanigans that Conan got up to while trying to survive and search for his father’s killer. (I would have liked to have watched *that* movie.) I love Jason Momoa as Conan. I buy the look, the attitude, everything. While he’s out randomly freeing slaves and taking advantage of extremely grateful topless wenches (hey, that’s how they’re credited), he finally finds one of the people involved with the razing of his village. It then becomes a series of quests to find all of the individuals and kill them.

In the process, he picks up a warrior-priestess (I’m guessing here. She’s in a convent, but is apparently trained in serious self-defense) that is essential for Zym’s (the evil overlord) plans. They’re rude to each other, they save each other, blah blah blah ending in a sex sequence that was clearly designed for the ladies (featuring an awesome shot of Momoa’s ass). So now he’s invested even more -- no longer after Zym for mere revenge, he must now save his lady friend.

Let’s stop for a moment to talk about Zym. He’s after the pieces of the headpiece that were destroyed at the beginning of the movie so he can get necromancy skills again and resurrect his dead wife and become a God. We learn that his wife was burned alive because she was plotting to take over the world somehow (and yet they somehow spare him and their daughter). Rose McGowan plays the witch daughter and she’s pretty damn creepy. The creepiest part is the undertone of incest -- the daughter makes various attempts to convince her father that she would be sufficient for his quest to take over the world. This is another instance where something is set up (her jealousy of her mother, her desire to be valued, etc), but they don’t end up following through. I was fully expecting the witch daughter to kill the warrior-priestess (whose blood was essential for the ritual and who would then become the vessel for the witch mother’s soul), or to take the necromancy headpiece for herself.

The one piece of symmetry involves Conan forced to sacrifice someone he loves (his father took the decision away from him at the beginning of the movie) -- his warrior-priestess is hanging over a precipice, about to be possessed by the witch mother, and Zym is rapidly advancing on Conan. Instead of some amazing feat of strength, Conan uses his father’s sword to break the stone bridge under Zym’s feet so he falls to his death. It tied in with what Conan’s father said (paraphrased: even Gods will fall), but it wasn’t satisfying. Zym’s death halted the possession, so Conan left with his lady friend and then dropped her off at home before returning to his razed village.

Many of the action sequences and visuals were awesome. Pieces of the story was amazing. But I had the distinct feeling that it was a case of too many cooks in the kitchen. The story didn’t hold together well (and the pace of the film suggests that the barbarians have discovered some method of mass teleportation) and there were so many threads that led nowhere. The scope of this movie covers Conan’s birth until his destruction of the biggest threat to the world -- there doesn’t seem to be room for a sequel.

A prequel, though, set in that 20 year gap... that could work. Show us how that steel was tempered.