Every once in a while my wife tells me I’m not being romantic enough. That I need to be more spontaneous, and surprise her with flowers. So next time I’m going to jump out from behind a wall when she walks by and tag her in the uterus with a dozen long stems. Romantic enough for yah?
I’m fully aware I’m not romantic; everything I’ve learned about romance can be traced back to my father. He’s a blue collar guy, who grew up poor. So his idea of romance was paying the bills. Having food in the fridge and a working stove was pretty much panty remover back in his day.
At least I’m honest with my lack of creativity with regards to romance - my wife, however, not so much. She has a very clear idea of what romance is to her… and so does 90% of the female population on earth. Candles. Check. Flowers. Check. Romantic walk… Check. Throw in a bank heist and it’s basically the sub-plot of a Julia Roberts movie.
(If my wife is reading this entry, I have been kidnapped and I’m being forced to write this under duress.)
My wife's ultimate romantic gesture involves the ending of the movie The Notebook, where the nurse from the old folks home finds old Ryan Gosling and the other chick (that was pure jealousy BTW) lying in bed together DEAD! This is romantic? This is what my wife wants for the both of us? What if she dies, and I’m still alive? Do you know how much paperwork she just put me though? Good cop bad cop interrogations, people thinking I’m into necorphila, and I still don’t have tenure at Mrs. Florance's school of higher cake decorating. I am not jeopardizing that, thank you very much!
When did romance become a man's sole responsibility? Why can’t my wife romance me? (Again if she’s reading this I’ve been possessed by evil spirits). I’m not hard to figure out. All I need is some back issues of Brubaker's Captain America, a cheese fountain and Batman the animated series box set, and you can do whatever you want to me. It’s called a nerd roofie.
We talk about the impossible expectations that are put on woman though pop culture, but what about men? At the end of Superman 1 Lois Lane dies, so Superman flies around the earth, rotating its axis, causing all humanity to go backwards in time and saving the love of his life. He does this despite the commands of his father not to interfere with humanity… and to pick up milk and menthol cigarettes on his way home. Thanks, Superman! True, no woman is going to expect a man to rotate the earth's axis, but subconsciously the message is there. It’s 1979 and how many couples broke up in the parking lot right after that movie? Some poor shlep of man forgets to hold the car door open, and his girlfriend goes apocalypse on his A hole. “Why can’t you hold the door for me? Superman would hold the car door, in fact he flew around the earth rotating its axis to save Lois lane! Why can’t you be more like Superman?”
Seriously? I love you, but I think If I was Superman, I could do a little bit better then a No Frills cashier. Let's be honest here. I’m Superman! I can see through walls, and deflect bullets, and you have a prepaid Money Mart Visa. Look ladies, if you want me to be a ‘Superman” when it comes to romance, then don’t look at me weird when I suggest firing kids into space. I’m just trying to get into character!