I, Miss Adele Garamond, come from a long line of fake French ladies. You’ve heard of Miss Piggy, je ne crois pas? I owe much to my mentoress. Therefore, I know a little something about the proper way to be faux French. And you, Miss…. Authoress of Entre Nous, are not it.

Americans invented everything, and I do believe they created the idea of being fabulously French. The Francais were going along their daily business of eating croissants and drinking café au lait when suddenly, the Americans dropped by and conceived of this mythological art of être Francais.

I myself practice this singularly American art form. I wear stripey shirts, scarves and hats often. I watch French cinema and complain of ennui. I eat baguettes & croissants whenever I can. I have been known to dance the can-can in my apartment. When upset I yell “Sacré-coeur!” Sometimes I hear voices and am compelled to lead the French peasantry to war against the English.

There are a number of books and movies on the subject of becoming French; Le Divorce by Diane Johnson; French Women don’t get Fat by Mireille Guiliano; An American in Paris; A Year in Provence, the list goes on. In my recent browsing through bookstore display tables; I found a new addition to the genre called Entre Nous by Debra Ollivier. As I’m always seeking to refine my air of pretention; I picked it up.

But what I found was not savoir faire. No. It is a book of rules on how one should compose oneself to fit a narrow definition of a French woman. And it is all wrong!

1. No one should ever follow a list of rules of how to act. I highly doubt a French woman would.

2. French women share habits, culture, traditions, etc.; but they do not all share the same personality.

3. If she did have this personality Mrs. Ollivier describes; I would find her dreadfully dull.

Luckily I’ve also done a lot of research on how to be Francais and can save my readers the trouble. Being French, I’ve discovered; is no different from being North American. She suffers the same problems of insecurity and flakey men, only with better wine and cheese. Rather than aspire to become a genuine frog, be Fake French. And for that there is only one rule; “Always treat yourself like you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your age, weight, and looks.”

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